Missing the Pain
by Lisa7
Summary: After There's no place like plrtz glrb, Angel thinks about Buffy.


Title: Missing the pain 

Title: Missing the pain 

Author: Lisa 

Feedback: lisagaill@yahoo.com 

Disclaimer: I own the haphazardly thrown together story, not the characters. 

Spoilers: Everything. 

Summery: Angel thinks about Buffy. 

Authors Notes: I first wrote this several, several weeks ago. And I just now got around to 'fixing' it, at the request of Heather.I don't think this is one of my better efforts, but I kinda like it. The basis for the fic comes from Garth Brooks'"The Dance."This is completely un-beta'd. 

Dedication: To Heather, for asking, er, telling me to start working on it. To Sara-lee, because she is so damn cool. Also, this isn't one of my better efforts either, but I kind of like it. (I am still working on the other story, it will be out by December, I promise. :)) 

_Looking back on the memory of _

_The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone _

_For a moment all the world was right _

_How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye_

I miss her. 

God, how I miss her. I dream about her more now than I did when she was just a short drive away. Maybe that's why I dream of her, because I can't just drive down and see her. She haunts me now, visits me, in my dreams. 

I wanted to die. The minute I walked in the door and saw Willow. I knew. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it. I forced down my feelings. I lived in the land of denial.I watched as they put her in the ground and I sobbed. At that moment, I knew she wasn't going to come back to me. I had to be strong now. 

I've never, in my long life felt pain like when Willow said those words to me. Not when I left her, standing amid ruins of the building I just helped destroy, not when I had to watch her walk out of my door, not remembering our wonderful day together. It was the most indescribable, excruciating pain that I've never wanted to feel. 

But, it was worth it. 

It was worth all of the pain in the world to know that we had just one moment of happiness. But we had more than that.We had a lifetime in the short time that we were together. We had a lifetime in that one-day. In that day, we experienced more love and more happiness than I have ever felt in nearly two hundred and fifty years on this earth. 

I don't even remember the bad times anymore. I don't even recall telling her that I had to leave her, I don't recall watching her walk out of my door. I never see the pain that I put in her eyes. I don't hear her crying at night or the brave face she tried to put on when she was at her weakest. No, I don't remember the bad times. 

What I remember is what this thing called life is all about. I remember kissing her, and holding her, and loving her. The amount of unconditional love she held for me was something I thought I could never have. She never looked at me in disgust, not even when she wanted to. She never held pity in her eyes. She just loved me. She didn't even try not to, not after it was clear that it was impossible to try. She was so much stronger than I ever could be, she never fought our love, just accepted it. 

When I close my eyes, I see her face. Her beautiful, smiling face. She gave me strength to go on and live; she helped me to see that I was needed in this world.Without her, I would have still been living off rats and feeling sorry for myself, that's a best-case scenario.My life became complete the day I met her. 

I see her, hugging me, telling me that we shouldn't be together, though neither of us were able to turn away.I see her in my jacket; she always wore it, even though it nearly came to her knees. She told me once that it smelled like me and when she wore it, she felt close to me. She gave it back, because she said it had stopped having my smell; she made me wear it for a month, then she took it back again.Not only that, but she 'stole' several of my shirts as well. It was a fair trade; I have several of her things, too. 

I see us making out like two teenagers in the graveyard while we were supposed to be patrolling. She was just a teenager, but the things she saw in her life made her much older than she was. The very first time I saw her she had this spark in her eyes that made her look as if she were excited about everything. Her eyes gave her emotions away every time.Sitting under the tree, after her mother died, I watched what little bit of hope she had left drain away, like discarded bathwater. Saving the world on a regular basis was taking a toll on her, emotionally and physically. She just didn't have it in her to fight that hard, only to be thrown up against another wall. 

She was always there for me, in ways that I could never begin to repay.She bandaged me up when my 'darling children' tried to kill me. She took care of me when I came back even though I know she was a little afraid of me, I still saw the love in her eyes. But she didn't only help me physically. After I came back, I would have liked nothing more than to go back there.The pain was too much, and I could tell that she saw that. That didn't matter. I had to fight. It was my one shining moment. I fought for her. She wouldn't give up on me. I surely wasn't going to give up on her. No, that was to come later, but I digress. 

I told her once that she should be with someone who could take her into the light. She was my light. I didn't need to see the sun because I could see it in her eyes. The minute she walked into the room, any black cloud I may have had over my head suddenly turned into blue skies and singing birds filled my ears. She had this amazing power to make me feel worthy of her love, of life. As demons, we aren't allowed to love, that's our payment for immortality, not much of a trade if you ask me. Yet even Angelus loved her.He thought he didn't have the capacity for love, but he did. 

_Holding You, I held everything _

_For a moment, wasn't I a king _

_But if I'd only known how the king would fall _

_Hey who's to say, you know I might have chanced it all_

All of the pain we went through, all of the heartache and the loneliness was worth it. It was worth every minute, just because we experience a love that most people don't get to have. We have eternal love.We have a love that doesn't die. 

And I know the minute I am giving atonement for everything he did we will be together forever. She is my reward, I couldn't think of anything else I would want more. 

And that's worth it all. 

_I could have missed the pain, but I'd had to miss the dance... _


End file.
